6 February 2019

My First Kiss (One Year On) + Feeling Lonely

I know where I was one year ago. On the first Wednesday of February 2018, I found myself in a local club, particularly on the disco dance floor, which is where all the sing-along songs from the 90s are played until your ears ring- unfortunately, I mean this rather literally. By the end of this night one year ago, I will have secured myself a date for Valentine's Day and an un-balanced mixture of heartache and desire for the next few months to come but I wouldn't know about the latter bit.

On the first Wednesday of February this year, whilst all my friends are back in that same club, without-a-doubt on the same dance floor for student night, which happens to always fall on the first Wednesday of every month, I am tucked up in my bed, as far from that club as I can get.

I have been on that very dance floor countless times since that night one year ago but I couldn't bare to have 365 days pass and feel like I hadn't moved at all, as if I were in the same spot, denying a year's worth of growing-up and experiences. I just couldn't bare to put myself back on that dance floor one year 'to-the-day'. In my head, it would have been as if I had never moved, and I don't show it, but this past year has been anything but still. I've been spinning.

I feel more lonely than I've ever felt before in a romantic sense, which is very hard for me to admit. That's something that was poignantly different this time last year.

But I'm not weak. I didn't know it back then, but that's something I was one year ago on the multi-coloured disco dance floor and that's definitely something I'm not now.

Although, maybe I'm not as strong as I think if I still feel the need to write this post. I hope in one year's time, the first Wednesday of February will pass and there won't be a new post on this blog because it will be just another day that goes by unnoticed, like May 7th, but tonight it means something. Tonight, it's post-worthy.

Till next time-
Steph
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1 comment

  1. I know exactly how you feel. I remember forcing myself to go to all the places I had been hurt when the anniversaries came up. and really, I admire you for staying home. you have nothing to prove to anyone by showing up there. you are just as strong if today passes or you write about it. the truth of the matter is you made it 365 days, and that alone is a feat. celebrate that. you did it! and you can still do it! you're doing great. you have grown, even if you cant see it. i know I have. we grow a little more every day. so dont sweat the bad days. you're gonna be alright love

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