14 August 2018

Personal & Emotional Life Update

No matter the length of time that I stay away from blogging, I know that when my heart needs to release something through words I will return and that my blog- and some people on the other end of it- will be there to receive me with open arms. That is this time. Now. 

If 16-year-old-me walked up to 19-year-old me today, almost at the end of teenage hood, I would have asked myself the question I eagerly asked anyone who would listen "What's your number?" which meant that on a scale of one to 10, 10 being the happiest, how happy are you? I think I asked that question over 1000 times in place of "how are you?". I'll let you in on a secret... I hardly ever asked myself that question and neither did many others. Anyways, today, in this moment, seated on my granny's couch in Greece, I'm giving myself a three-maybe a four out of 10.

I'm feeling down. I told my brother that this morning whilst seated on the balcony eating a spanakopita, a Greek spinach pie, for 'breakfast' at 1.30pm. He went through a process of elimination to get to the cause of my unhappiness, which I rather liked and made me chuckle. He began: "Is it because of mom?" 
"No", I responded.
"Is it because of Arte?" 
"No", it isn't, I retorted.
"Is it because of me?"
"Yes", I responded with a look I imagined a judge in a high court case making a ruling would have.
"Really?" my brother asked surprised and concerned.
"Of course not, I laughed out loud and then continued to say "I love you".
I'm so glad I have my twin who makes me smile on the harder days.

I liked his process of elimination. He went through a few more names before he got to himself but you get the point. I kept this going in my head, going through names that he couldn't mention, like university friends and past love-interests (for lack of a more 'vanilla' word). I couldn't find a cause. But then I said "Is it because of yourself?" and I gulped and couldn't answer. 
I tend to overthink and overanalyse a lot. I mean a lot more than the average person and after a while of continuously over-doing it, I've been left mentally drained. Although, it hasn't been like that this whole summer, only recently.

I've actually been having a wonderful summer, sans social media for the most part. I relapsed yesterday after about two weeks offline which may have something to do with my feelings today. I've really been disconnected to people back in London, where I'm at university, but every time I log in I find that no one's really messaged me, and then I feel sad. A few people have, and I'd argue some of the most important, but there were some others that I'd see a couple times a week in London and then haven't spoken to at all  as soon as there's a geographical barrier between us- maybe that's normal. Also, I acknowledge that communication works both ways but there's only so much giving that can happen without reciprocation. 

Yesterday, I also logged into my blog's Instagram after a long while to see that a classmate from university tried to follow my blog's Instagram. I'd seen this coming a few months back and turned my account private and removed the link from the profile after I saw the accounting suggested to my non-blog account to follow. I'm hoping he thought that it was a 'finsta' (a fake Instagram) where popularly people post less flattering photos of themselves for only their closest friends to see. I'm hoping he didn't catch on and find my blog or Twitter account, but I can only hope. As a precaution, I've temporarily deactivated it...but as always, I'll be back.

"I offered to meet up and go for a walk around the acropolis that he previously mentioned. It sounds romantic."

I've also been thinking a lot about my Tinder Soulmate from last year. Because of my social media break we hadn't been chatting so when I logged in and I saw that he'd messaged me I offered to meet up and go for a walk around the acropolis that he previously mentioned. It sounds romantic, right? Well, I'm petrified and highly anxious about it. The part of me that put the offer back on the table was the 19-year-old who didn't want to get to 90 with regrets. I may pull out from nerves. Also, if I'm not on social media (which I still need to be separated from until at least the end of August, as a break for my mental health but also a personal challenge) I can't be talking to the man I dubbed 'E'. So, I'm really putting myself through the wringer, aren't I?

With out social media, I've been able to do the things I never seemed to have time to do before. I've created a manifesto for myself for second-year of certain things I'd like to manifest, achieve and be accountable towards. I'll probably share that with you soon. I've been self-teaching shorthand for journalism like I set out to do at the start of the summer, and for a long time I was wholly focused on myself. I connected with Oprah and Maya Angelou through Youtube videos and focused on my self-care routine and I really did feel better for a long time.
This is the over-thinker in me but I like to have my life figured out and right now I don't, but dominantly, that's a lotto ask of a nearing 20-year-old. I also can't believe that in less than two months I won't a teenager anymore. That scares me. 

As hard as this is to admit myself, I think I'm lonely, in a romantic sense. I miss having affection and attention. I'm the kind of girl who can definitely be alone. After my heartbreak with Julian, I re-built the parts of me that crumbled. I haven't conquered all my demons from that fiasco yet, even all these months on, but I continue to try to re-build. I did it all myself, so when I say I don't need a man I mean it...I'd just like one. I'm really looking forward to heading back to University for my second-year of studies, too. 

I know these feelings won't be permanent and I'll probably bounce back to a number that 16-year-old me would have been content with hearing at some pointing the near future, but for now, I'm at three.

Any and all advice is more than welcomed. So, what's your number?
Till next time-
Steph
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4 comments

  1. that was beautiful. thank you for being so honest with us. I also love how you ask "whats your number?" I do that myself. I always ask people to rate their pain. so for me, a 0 is a great day. pain free. I used to ask myself that every morning during the darkest days of my depression and heartbreak. so I can really relate.

    today, on your scale, I think Im a 10. Im living my best life and being content with all the craziness happening.

    again, thank you for your honesty.

    and dont worry love, it gets better.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I can also relate to this post, just feeling down and lost with struggling with ill health nothings ever certain for me.
    I hope that you feel better soon, keep doing the things you enjoy, take care x
    www.libertylife.me

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  3. Ahhh I missed you so much S! I was gone for a while as well from the blogging world and instantly noticed your absence! I love reading your writing; it's so refreshing and honest as usual. I hope that this low moment soon turns into a high and that you enjoy your second year at uni x N

    BLOG//Jasmine Loves

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  4. I feel like the summer is a time where people start to feel a bit lonely and lost, it's hard when all your friends live their own different lives in different parts of the country/world, and you just don't seem to fit in with those scenarios. I've just been trying to keep myself busy even if that is binge watching Netflix 😂 I've missed you Steph but I'm glad your taking time out for yourself!

    Sophie | Sophie's Spot

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