10 May 2018

The END: My Story of Teenage Heartbreak

It's funny how things come full circle. I'm back in the washing room where I wrote this personal life update back in November. Like that cold evening at the end of the year, I'm surrounded by the swish-swash of my two-week's worth of laundry swirling and twirling around amongst soap suds. I've also put a playlist from Youtube on. It's called 'Escape Everything'. I'm not sure what that says about my mental state right now, but it's relaxing accompanied by the swish-swish of the washing machine infront of me. So, it seems apt to end this series in the washing room.

Before you read this post, you have a lot more reading to do. But, I promise it's worth it!
We Break-Up in the End (Part 1)
We Break-Up in the End (Part 2)
We Break-Up in the End (Part 3)

"But eventually our once essay-style of texting virtually turned into short one-liners"

Julian and I kept talking for about two weeks after I saw him which I wrote about in We Break Up In the End (Part 3). I went to Amsterdam the day after our hot chocolate get-together and just like we had every single day since the week before Valentine's Day, we texted. We spoke the whole time I was away but at some point something felt off. The responses weren't the same from him. I tend to overthink A LOT, so maybe I mis-read things but eventually our once essay-style of texting turned into short one-liners. Things were amiss. But, I'm a person who gives what I get, so when I sensed that something was off on his side, I changed the way I texted. The week after I got back, we were still texting but with 12-16 hours between each text. It was difficult to admit, but things just weren't the same from those first messages back in November- or even one month earlier- and I think we both knew it.

Anyways, knowing that Julian and I were casually seeing each other, I decided to spread my wings and get back in the Tinder game- which I funnily enough mentioned in that post I wrote back in November, except I was fretting over a different guy back then, a Greek-hunk of a man I named 'E'. It's funny how things change. Anyways, I was swiping on Tinder but with very little intention of anything really. I guess I was just amusing myself. A part of me thinks I kept swiping just to find Julian's profile- which I eventually did, but I'll tell you about that later.

A few days of swiping passed by and I'd been chatting to a few of the guys on there. Some opened with cheesy pick-up lines which I'm pretty certain have NEVER worked in their favour. Others seemed more genuine- like a guy named Henry- but he eventually unmatched me due to my lack on interest. I just wasn't in the right place. My every thought was still very much consumed by replays of memories with Julian. I compared each Tinder match against Juian's charm and banter. No one matched up.

I decided I was hurt and shouldn't be messing anyone about, so I signed out of Tinder for a while. I'm also not really keen on online dating, but for some reason I tend to go back to it hoping that something will be different each time. Heres the secret: it never is.

I've just switched my clothes into the dryer. 30 minutes and 26 seconds left.

"In person we go together like cheese and a good red wine- or we used to anyways"

Inevitably, Julian's profile did pop up. I'm not sure in what order his photos appeared but there was one of him dressed as an elf, another in the gym and one in a club. I chuckled when I saw his profile only because I don't think I would have swiped 'right' on him on Tinder and yet in person we go together like cheese and a good red wine- or we used to anyways. This may also influence my lack of drive to use online dating. But again, that's a post for another day. His bio just said what he studied: Civil Engineering and mentioned that he's from Brighton.

A few months back, he'd found a good friend of mine on Tinder and sent me screen shots of her profile for 'banter' as he later put it. I saw this as an opportunity and did the same but this time with his profile. He responded asking me which way I swiped. Between sending that message and the three which followed he must have hurriedly gone on Tinder and viciously started swiping because he texted me saying I hadn't swiped on him. He was correct. I had swiped left, meaning I wasn't interested. He proceeded to call me "RUDE" in capital letters but I know he was kidding.

I spent about one minute more on Julian's profile than I do on the average guy debating which way to swipe. I consciously swiped left because I have a rule and as it turns out, it's not a rule I break for anyone: If I know you in real life, offline, I swipe left (meaning I'm not interested). And, I won't even break that rule for 'banter'- or my first kiss apparently. I just responded to his text with a purple devil emoji, which was probably the most used emoji in our conversations, particularly from my side, in the last few months. In retrospect, that was an apt ending. We haven't texted since.

"I turned back a few minutes later and he was tongue-deep in another girl, so it all worked out for him"

A few days after this I bumped into him at a club- while two guys were trying to make a move on me. I let one guy get closer than I would usually allow in a club setting, but with Julian right in front of me I just couldn't miss the opportunity. When the handsome stranger began cupping my face with his hands, I pulled away. That was a little too close. I then told him to pull out my phone and proceeded to add him on Facebook. I turned back a few minutes later and he was tongue-deep in another girl, so it all worked out for him.

"Truthfully, I was surprised he remembered but I found that he always remembered more than he let on"

Julian wasn't really dancing. He never really dances and I found out later that night he was sober which made his unusually idyl stance the whole night make sense. I avoided his eyes. Now and again we made eye-contact but my eyes dashed away quickly and once or twice managed a smile. By this point, we hadn't chatted in about a week. I ended up in the same corner of this club's 'Disco room' dance floor that he'd first asked me out on for a Valentine's date earlier in February. He came up to me which sent the two girls I was dancing with, one which is his housemate, knowingly back to the main group that we'd become a branch of. I pointed out the observation I'd made earlier, about Valentine's Day, to him. He knowingly pointed out exactly where he was standing and exactly where I was.  Truthfully, I was surprised he remembered but I found that he always remembered more than he let on.

Earlier that night, I'd seen him getting cosy with some other girl I know that he was seeing, casually as well, obviously, so I really wasn't entertaining any attempt at what could be considered making a move. But, he was also sober and sober Julian is definitely less flirty than drunk Julian or two-bottles-of-wine Julian (which is my favourite type of Julian). Looking back, I don't even remember what we spoke about but it was brief and laughter-filled. After a while, I told him we should get back to the group that we'd seemed to drift further away from. He didn't seem happy about this but the lights in the club came on soon after indicating that the club was closing. As we shuffled off the dance floor we got lost in the crowd. We didn't hug goodbye, but we never did on nights out.

Since that day, which was over a month ago now, I've seen him twice dashing about town, but that's expected in a small uni town, but we haven't spoken since.

"I wish I had a more drama-filled ending, but I don't"

So that's how it ends. I wish I had a more drama-filled ending, but I don't. I didn't get any sense of closure. Whatever was going on between Julian and I just faded into nothingness. I've felt every single emotion possible with Julian; I've had extreme euphoria and then melancholy and even a touch of the green-eyed monster. I've been disappointed, frustrated, invigorated, filled with utter bliss, and utter devastation, at times I've been numb and at others I've felt so alive.

The last month has been particularly difficult for me. I know I'll be okay, but I think it's hard for me to talk to someone everyday for so long and then just not talk to them at all. I can't speak on behalf of Julian but I have a feeling he's just fine- which doesn't make me feel any better- but obviously, I don't know that for sure. Some moments are better than others. I still scroll through Facebook with my eyes on high alert for any mention of his name and when I stroll into town I'm always scared that I'll turn a corner and he'll be there but I hope that will pass.

"I don't want to screw you over"

I never told you this but on our Valentine's Day date, under the cover of rain about 30 seconds before Julian grabbed me, pulled me in and slid his hand onto my waist and proceeded to give me my first kiss, he turned with a face of mischievous guilt to the side and put his hand over his mouth and rubbed his chin, which is a look I went on to see two or three times after, and said: "I don't want to screw you over." The truth is that for a long time I considered myself screwed over, but I don't anymore. I'm glad my first-kiss was with him. A part of me feels like in these passed few months I've lived my teenage dream- and on the outer edge of teenage-hood.

When I think back to the night I first met Julian, on Halloween, if someone had told me anything about the next few months and what would follow between me and the rather simply dressed attempt at a nurse sitting across from me, I would have laughed and probably thought they were mad- and done it all anyways. But, that's the thing that made the highs with Julian feel like I was on top of the world- it was all unexpected. I didn't see any of it coming. 

To end it all, in the last post I wrote I said that I had an innate need to apologise to myself. That need is no longer there. I felt sorry for myself when I wrote that post, but that isn't how I feel now. I feel empowered.

Julian, if you ever read this post and the nine others that precede it, I know we were never 'together' so we never really 'broke-up' but it had a nice ring to it so I'm not even sorry.

So, who knows, maybe in a few month's time I'll find myself back in this wash room, accompanied by the swish-swash  and the low but gentle hum of the tumbling clothes mixed with water and soap capsules and I won't be telling you about 'E' (my Tinder soulmate), or Julian but about a boy who made me feel like melted butter in a microwave when all I wanted to do was build a fort around my broken heart.

Was this the ending you expected to the story? What was your favourite part of the whole series?

Till next time-



  1. I was actually expecting a more drama filled ending! So sorry Steph!

    Effortlessly Sophisticated

    1. I guess I did to... That's not how things always go though...

  2. Now that you're done with this, I can finally write my thoughts here haha
    First of all, I wouldn't be able to go into this knowingly we're just casual, I'm not for that. I have a feeling you wanted more from the beginning but didn't say anything for some reason? I could be wrong. But it's also weird how it ended. So you were great together and it all just faded within few months? It's sad.
    Maybe this is because I'm different than you or I got this story differently, but I really dislike Julian. Which is not his fault but the whole situation between you two made him/it like that.
    anyway, great story, however I'm really sorry it ended the way it did... :)

    xo Honey - blog Royal Lifestyle - Twitter - Instagram

    1. You're welcome to be honest at any point. I'm writing about my life openly, so feel free to be honest at any point.

      In retrospect, I still don't know what I fully wanted from the beginning but I know what I was getting wasn't enough.
      It did just fade. I thought it was sad for a long time but unfortunately that's how many things end in the age of social media. We're all cowards. Ghosting is the easy way out.

      Keep in mind, this was my perspective of it. You got a very one-sided view of the story. He could argue things were different from his perspective.

      Thanks for sharing your thoughts and coming on the journey with me.

  3. I some what expected this too happen hehe I guess it's kinda similar to the drama one of my uni friends went through this year. I really wish you can find your heart melting guy, I haven't given up faith that guys like that are out there ^^

    Sophie | www.sophiesspot.co.uk

    1. You saw this coming?! You could have given me a head up, S!

      I haven't given up hope either. It'll just take some sifting!

  4. I wanted to save this post for a boring day at work, but couldn't resist it any longer. I relate so much to your feelings in this post. It can be so freaking difficult to stop talking to someone who's talked to you every day for half a year (in my case they said they'd keep talking because they "needed" me in their life, then ignored me).

    I really enjoyed the way you structured this post. Your comments about the washroom made this feel like the story came full circle and you're really just reflecting.

    About the change in tone of texts though: you were most probably right. That was the first warning sign in my previous relationship too. I'm kind of glad you didn't have a dramatic ending and hope you'll get a sense of closure somehow. Life can be difficult without it.

    x Envy
    Lost in Translation

    1. You know exactly what I mean then, E! People become a part of your day. Talking to someone becomes habitual.

      Haha, I do have a thing about wash rooms. It was definitely reflective. I'm glad you got the full-circle-ness!

      I never got closure. I still think I need it, which is difficult to admit, but I'm not going to wait around for it. I'm moving on and I'll find it in myself.

      Thanks for sticking this whole series out, E!


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