27 March 2018

My Personal Story of Teenage Heartbreak || Part 3

I'll pick up right where I'd left off in the last post. I fell into a trap.
Before you read this post, you have a lot of other reading to do. Before you read any further, you need to read these three posts before reading these: My First Kiss on Valentine's Day at 19-Years-OldMy First Kiss (Follow-Up) + Heartbreak, My Personal Story of Teenage Heartbreak (Part 1) and My Personal Story of Teenage Heartbreak (Part 2)

The time must have been well after midnight by now, or maybe it was just before. I can't really say that I was too focused on the time. Although, I've always believed that there's something romantic about early in the morning and late at night- which could be the same thing depending on where morning blurs into the night. I think this point with Julian was the blurred lines. Technically, it was early Saturday morning but also really late on Friday night.

As we were walking side-by-side outside, Julian leaps forwards a few steps in front of me (appropriately, with his frog hat) and turns towards me holding out his hand. He says: "You're beautiful". The flattery is nice but I've learnt that when it comes to Julian actions speak louder than words. I didn't take hold of his hand. I cut off whatever he was about to say next and interjected with "Say what you want to say, Julian." Told you I'd hardened up a bit! A few minutes later, he started getting closer and closer to me.

"His hand would have been on my waist and the small of my back and his hands pressed against my cheek. My clothes would have absorbed his cologne so that when I went home that night I'd still be able to smell him on me. "

I'll be honest here. I was angry at him. I didn't really know what I wanted from him beyond his attention for the next few minutes so I could tell him why I was angry, but I also knew that had we been on better terms, I would have been all over him. His hand would have been on my waist and the small of my back and his hands pressed against my cheek. My clothes would have absorbed his cologne so that when I went home that night I'd still be able to smell him on me. That's the truth. That's what I wanted. Despite all the pain, he'd put me through, I wanted to feel his lips against mine like I had in the rain on Valentine's Day. I wanted to sense his stern body against mine like I had almost a month before. I definitely did not tell him that. So, when he started getting closer and closer I put my hand up to stop him.

"No kissing. No touching," I said.
"You're the one touching me!" he responded.
Much to my surprise, he was right! My hand had snuck onto his chest and found its way between his collarbone and his chest in an effort to put up a physical boundary between me and his charm...or that's what I'm going to keep telling myself anyway.

He approached one of those circular marble or stone benches that I always see in parks- the ones without any back support. He plonked his wide, muscular build on the edge, so I followed and sat beside him. Eventually, his hand offered the back support that I didn't really need. His arm ran up and down my back. I should have minded, but I didn't. His gymmed arms were warm on my cold back. I should have taken my coat.

"We even spoke about sex. I told him that it isn't something I'd be able to give him right now and I knew it was something he wanted- needed even."

He told me that I was a long-term goal and all the other girls he was seeing were short-term goals. I'm not sure how I felt about that comment back then. Truth be told, I'm still not sure how I feel about that comment now. We spoke about relationships, loyalty and what had been going on between us for the past four months. We even spoke about sex. I told him that it isn't something I'd be able to give him right now and I knew it was something he wanted- needed even. He said that he already knew that. He claims he could smell my sexual innocence even before our first date on Valentine's Day, like a predator observing its prey.  But, he decided to pursue me anyways, knowingly. He said that he'd be able to wait a couple months, or as long as it took. Those were his words, not mine.

There's no doubt that I feel comfortable around him. Our conversations are always deep and genuine- sometimes brutally so- but also light-hearted and playful.

At some point, it started raining, or that's what he'd called it. It was just drizzling by South Africa's standards. He stood up and tucked himself under a ledge to shelter his frog hat from the rain. He put his hand out beckoning me to join him under the small shelter. I took it this time. I joked that this was awfully reminiscent of our first kiss. But I meant what I said when I said no kissing...so we didn't. He did put his arm around me though and I held his green hand (the frog hat came with a glove) that was on my shoulder. It was sweet.

" I told him that I need to think about everything that he'd said. I was so confused."

He looked at his phone at some point and told me that we'd been outside for 45 minutes. I was surprised. For all I knew, it felt like it had been three hours. I told him that I needed to think about everything that he'd said. I was so confused. I didn't want to say anything reactionary. I like to think, over-think even. My mind was muddled and I needed time to think things through.

As we were walking back to the party, he asked if the talking ban was off. I agreed that it was off. We could resume talking and I'd resume thinking...because I had a lot of it to do.

Where do my thoughts take me?

Find out in part four!

If you were me, what would you have done in this situation?

Till next time-


  1. I want to know what you decide!!

    Effortlessly Sophisticated

    1. The series has finally ended. I hope I've answered all your questions!

  2. Steph I am loving this story! I need to keep reminding myself that its real life and not a film/book��

    Em ~ thisisemsworld.com

    1. Em, this is such a uplifting and heart-warming comment. I'm glad my life plays out like a movie. It's felt like it indeed.

  3. I'm the same as Em ^^ I have to keep reminding myself that this is all real life. I might have no experience in any of this but if you need some body completely out of the situation to talk to just pop me a message on twitter any time. Looking forward to part 4 x

    Sophie's Spot

    1. I have definitely taken you up on this offer a time or two! Thanks for all your support, S!

  4. Replies
    1. Of course! Would I end it in any other way? Haha

  5. Okay, I honestly would've called BS on his "long term/short term" thing. That's cruel to every girl involved. He's basically hurting all the long term girls because he won't stay with them for long, while he's also hurting you by being with other girls.
    Anyway, I love these life updates in story-telling format. Reminds me of the old-school blogging and online storytelling I miss so much.

    x Envy
    Lost in Translation

    1. You're very right! I'm very happy to say the I'm no longer a part of that drama. It took me a while but I'm out of it now.

      I know the posts are't SEO optimised etc. but I also like the storytelling format. I'm glad someone appreciates that!

  6. I have a feeling you end up together for some reason. However, no matter how young you are, if you're in for a relationship, long-term or short-term things are bulls*it. I wouldn't say he's a good relationship material. He can be a great friend, someone you can really talk to and feel good around, but not a boyfriend.
    However, I'm also a hopeless romantic so I get your stand on this.

    xo Honey - blog Royal Lifestyle - Twitter - Instagram

    1. Nope, I guess we don't end up together! I agree with you on the friend bit...but not right now. Maybe one day.


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