3 May 2017

19 & Never Been Kissed

As a naturally curious being, I often used to ask my friends when they had their first kiss (a particularly frequent question in my early days of high school). Often, and to my utter disappointment, I'd be met with answers like "when I was 11, Steph" or "when I was 13". Eventually, I stopped asking people because, at 18 years and 210 days old I've never been kissed.
As a 'lip lockin' virgin I've accomplished a lot: I've graduated from high school and I'm about to enter university. I've had great success in the pool and in my personal relationships. By no means do I think or intend to mean that not having been kissed is limiting to a person in anyway. It isn't.

The thing is, I always thought it would happen. Every New Years Eve since I was 13, I've always thought that this would be the year. Or that tomorrow would be the day. Well, up until now, 'tomorrow' hasn't come. When I was 13, the thought was there, sitting in the back of my mind, now and again tugging into the seams of my daily thoughts. By 14, these thoughts became more of a gentle pull. A year later, this notion became a very harsh and demanding tow. Funnily enough, by 18 you'd think I'm about to say it's an unbearable heave of some sort in the forefront of my mind. It's not. It's not even a thought anymore- not even as much as the gentle pull it once was.

" Every New Years Eve since I was 13, I've always thought that this would be the year"

You may be wondering to yourself, why don't I just grab the nearest tall, dark and handsome stranger and pucker up? It's easy enough, right? Wrong. I think there's a lot that should go into a kiss, call me a hopeless romantic but a bit of tension, tease and desire should be there, along with kindness and mutual respect. How am I going to know all that about a stranger? Also, by now, I'm filled with anxiety at my more than likely inexperienced washing machine-like kissing abilities which is more than likely going to end up being memorable for the wrong reasons, to an unsuspecting 'fella' out here, someday. I think, ultimately, my lip virginity is testament to a combination of fear and truthfully, not much effort.

Not having been kissed by 18 can be a lonely and alienating thing. When my friends are talking about hopping into bed with people, the most intimate I've ever been is limply grasping my prom date's hand in a sweaty mess of our clumsy, haphazardly intertwined fingers. In case you're looking for some clarification, my sweaty hands (which may have something to do with why I'm in the position that I'm in). Games like Truth and Dare, and even more so 'Never Have I Ever' would be anyone else's dream. It's my anxiety-fueling horror, because, If I haven't smooched...you've guessed it, I haven't done much else- which can be a terrifying and embarrassing thing to admit to your peers.


All my closest friends know. Some offer advice like "don't worry, it will happen some day" where others go as far as to try set me up- which quite ashamedly has left me running away, yes, physically running away at a party that was rather too recently to admit without my utter embarrassment.


"Look, I get it. It's honestly not the be all and end all of the world"

Look, I get it. It's honestly not the be all and end all of the world. There are much more severe and more important things going on today, but at times it can be a hard thing to go through. When you're seemingly the only one who hasn't done something, it takes a toll on the way you see yourself.

But, I've also learnt a lot; In many ways, I've learnt to be independent of my peers, and carve out my own path, and to think less about the path that others find themselves on. I've come to accept that people's length to the same destination may vary; One might travel from Russia to London and another from South Africa to London- the distance and direction traveled are different, but the ultimate destination is the same.

I've learnt to be happy in the comfort of my own thoughts and company.

"I've learnt to be happy"

Through watching others fail and rise, I've learnt what works in relationships and what doesn't. As an observer, I've picked up tools and tricks to navigate romance when I find it.

There's one thing I wish I could have learnt earlier. I'm not alone. All this time, I'd been looking for someone in the same boat as me. I'm not in a boat; I'm in an over-crowded cruise ship and okay with it!

Whether your 13, 18, 20 or 35 years old and haven't had your first kiss, you're not alone. Join the club.

How old were you when you had your first kiss? How old are you if you haven't had your first kiss?

Till next time-
Steph

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44 comments

  1. I haven't had my first kiss yet. The closest I've been to kissing someone is through a kissing scene in a book.😉

    #sweetreats x www.bakingboutiquebirds.blogspot.co.uk/

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    1. I'm pretty much at the same place as you are! NO SHAME!

      Thanks for sharing, ST!

      Delete
  2. I think my first 'proper' kiss was when I was 16, I think. I've tried to block it from my mind, as the guy that I had it with was a total ass and I had stupidly thought that he liked me back enough that it would develop into a relationship. For a long time, I was embarrassed that I hadn't kissed anyone, but now that I'm older, I just couldn't care less. It's definitely something to do with peer pressure and the social expectations when you're younger, but don't even worry about it. I guarantee that you won't be as washing machine-y as you think!

    Olivia - The Northernist x

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    1. Aww, sorry it had to be with a crappy guy. At least, looking back, you've learnt what to look out for. From what I've read, you've got yourself a gem, now.

      I've come to learn that it's really not something to find embarrassing- I just wished I'd learnt that earlier.

      Haha, I guess time will tell!

      Thanks Olivia!

      Delete
  3. I love this post and can totally relate to it! (I recently wrote one similar ( Am I A Freak? ) on my blog if you fancy a read?

    I was 18 when I had mine, and it's the only kiss I've ever had - I've never had a relationship, my first kiss was as far as I've gone with... that kind of stuff, and I totally understand the fear and embarrassment of those kind of 'uni games', not that it's such a big deal but it kind of hits your confidence a bit, I get it!

    I definitely still feel a bit knocked sometimes and think, 'what's wrong with me?' but since posting the post on my blog, quite a few people I know at uni (early 20s) have confessed the same kind of thing. So you're right you're so not alone and as long as you're happy with yourself and where you're going, whatever and whoever comes along will be just right!

    JosieVictoriaa // Fashion, Travel & Lifestyle

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    1. Hey!

      I have already read your post- and similarly relate!

      It definitely has a way of slowly knocking down your confidence by a few pegs.

      This post has also shown me how there are many like us- and we're not as alienated as we think.

      I agree with so much of what you've said. The person who hooks you, will be the right one, indeed!

      Thanks Josie!

      Delete
  4. I still don't have my "legit" first kiss on the lips. But, I had my first kiss on the cheeks already (had it recently) :) But you know what, I don't think you should drown yourself in this matter. It's okay to think about it but don't stress yourself or make your anxiety fill you up on this. It's peer pressure actually. Allow me to share to you my similar experience. I'm 20 years old now. Back then when I was 17, I was yearning for a boyfriend. It was because I saw my friends having one during those times and I get jealous of them honestly. I felt there was something wrong about me like "Am I not beautiful? Am I too shy?" I know it will be hard in this times to stay positive on your situation. But remember and always believe that there is time for everything and that time will come for you someday :) I didn't even expect that the guy I'm having a mutual relationship now is just my classmate whom I never had been close that much until we reach senior year.

    I have this youtube video for you. I also watched this back then and it comforted me :) I hope it will also be the same to you.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PjawSNjH6dQ

    PS: Just followed you on GFC (I love your blog)
    Check me on: trulyfionaa.blogspot.com

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    1. Yas Girl, first it's the cheek and then the lips!

      I definitely used to 'drown myself' in these thoughts...but not anymore. It's all a social construct.

      It can be discombobulating to see peers in different phases than where one sees oneself.

      Thanks for sharing, Fiona! It sounds like you're in a good place.

      I hope things with your classmate go well!

      Thanks for the comment (and the follow). I'll head over to your blog now!

      Delete
  5. My first kiss was when I was 18. It was with a guy I had a crush on. He was in one of my classes in college. He was super gentle and sweet. Honestly... I'm glad it was with him. Although I didn't handle the after kiss situation in a mature way hahaha. I still felt like a little girl.

    I love when people take their time. I still remember feeling pressure in High School. I didn't have a boyfriend and never been kissed. And no one should. Time will tell when it's time. You might not even notice!

    You are definitely not alone!

    xx, Melissa
    https://elephantontheroad.com

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    1. It sounds like your first kiss was a very special and memorable one. It helps that the guy was lovely, too!

      If you still like the guy, then despite the ending, maybe you can redeem what happened? Or just rewind a bit, to end things on a more better note.

      It may just sneak up on me(...I actually think I'd prefer that).

      Thank you Melissa!

      Delete
  6. You are not alone and it's completely fine to not be kissed by the age of 18. Trust me, a lot of people would give anything to take back their first kisses as the majority of them were awkward or horrible. I had my first kiss when I was 18 and I see nothing bad in it. Yeah, I was freaking out a bit as well. I though that something was wrong with me. But believe me, it's okay and maybe you'll first kiss will be an amazing one :)

    -Leta | The Nerdy Me

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    1. Thanks for all the comfort, Leta! I really appreciate it.

      I really hope it's amazing. If not...Oh well, I'll just have to move on! I've definitely heard stories from people who wish they could have an 'undo' button!

      Delete
  7. I really enjoyed reading this post!! Don't worry about when others are experiencing these things. You do you, girl! <3
    It sounds like you've got a great head on your shoulders!

    xoxo Karly

    www.kpapreps.com

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    1. Thank you for that lovely comment, Karly!

      I really appreciate you taking the time to read through my post.

      I'll keep doing me!

      Delete
  8. This is such a lovely and honest post. It's so great to hear that you're a romantic and you're waiting for the right moment. I'm sure when it comes it will be worth the wait xx

    http://www.thatnewdress.com

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    1. I sure do hope so!

      Maybe one day, I'll conclude this post with the answer!

      Thanks for reading, Dom!

      Delete
  9. Im going to be 21 in a few months and I have never been kissed, so dont feel bad. although while never having been kissed, I have definitely been intimate with someone. and its a crazy thing.

    Im glad you are happy with where you are. dont rush something just because everyone else is doing it. it'll come. dont worry <3

    (lovely post by the way.)

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    1. Thank you for opening up to me, Faith!

      Haha, I get how that could work!

      Thank you for stopping by (and leaving your thoughts)!

      Delete
  10. I sound irrelevant because I'm only 14, but don't worry if you haven't had your first kiss yet. I haven't, in fact I barely know any boys I go to an all girls school. It's gonna happen someday, you're just waiting for the right person and there's nothing wrong with that

    - Rukiya
    shinenelevate.blogspot.com

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    1. You're most definitely relevant in this conversation, Rukiya!

      Being in an all girls school, could make it more difficult, but definitely NOT impossible!

      One day, it'll change for both of us!

      Delete
  11. This is such a lovely honest post. It is very refreshing to hear. I wish my 13 year old self had read it. I remember being so worried about never having my first kiss. I thought I would be alone forever. And when all the girls in my class were all of a sudden drinking and having sex and I still had yet to kiss anyone it got me very anxious. It finally did happen. To a random guy. When I was 16. I don't even remember what he was like but it was pretty bad. I don't regret it but I wish I didn't feel so much pressure to get it over with.
    I won't give advice because it would be useless to say not to worry or don't rush or wait for the perfect guy. In the end it does't make any difference to your life.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Thanks M!
      My hope is that current 13 (or 20) year olds read it.

      Aww, so not a romantic and positively-memorable one, then! It doesn't make a difference- you're right!

      Thanks M!

      Delete
  12. I was in the same situation! I felt as worried as you, an I must tell you that I had a boyfriend when I was 17 and we never kissed. I was so shy. I also never kiss strangers when I met them (in Spain is common to greet people with a kiss in every cheek) But well, I will tell you the hole story because is so dreamy and I want you to get gelous of me:

    We had to broke up due life things, not because we didn't love each other or for a third person. So months after, we started to talk again via whatsapp and obviusly we talked about our relationship and he was feeling so bad about how we had to end. Well, about two months after I had the change to go to his city (well, it was and odyssey because I had never been there and there was just 1 bus to return to my city) I went there with my friend (btw, she is older than me (she is 22)and she has never been kissed too!) and I met him. We had a nice day, we talked a lot and we came back togheter. And when I had to leave the city, the bus has arrived and he told me to kiss him, and I thought that I didn't know when would be the next time I would met him, and all the times we stayed togheter and just we holded our hands, so I kissed him, very quick and I runned to the bus.

    And that boy is still my boyfriend hahahah he says that know I kiss better.

    and with my story I want to tell you that never give up, don't worry about this because it's useless, one day you will find that person and you will kiss him, maybe will be the worst kiss you'll ever had, or maybe the best, but once you had done it, you'll don't have to worry anymore, so the best you can do is ignore this fact, is like if you ever had been to a country, or eaten a dish, it will come the day you tried!

    (sorry again for the long comment and telling my hole biography here)

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I welcome long comment, C!

      Thank you for taking the time to write to me.

      I'm very familiar with the European custom of kissing people's cheeks- the Greeks do it too.

      Haha, so the kiss worked out then!

      It could end up being the worst... or the best kiss I've ever had. I'll just have to let you know. I like your analogy- comparing it to a new dish or country!

      Delete
  13. This was such an honest post and so true. I had my first kiss when I was 18 but it turned out that th guy had a girlfriend. I think people think your first kiss is like wearing a badge and then automatically you have it, this badge comes off and you're a completely new person who knows exactly what they want to do in life. When in reality, you feel exactly the same and a bit like, oh...that was it?
    Also should mention I'm 20 now and haven't kissed anyone since.
    People should really talk about this stuff more.

    Love,
    Meg x
    Megangoodier.blogspot.co.uk

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    1. The guy had a girlfriend?! That couldn't have been fun finding out.
      I like your badge analogy!
      I agree! I think people should talk about these 'taboos' more often!

      Thanks for opening up, Megan!

      I really appreciate you taking the time to write!

      Delete
  14. This is such an amazing post! My first kiss was when I was about 12 and it was so unspecial! I do wish I'd waited to make it more special, because it was definitely anything but! Keep on doing what you're doing girl, it'll be so special and meaningful when it does happen. Great post! Abi | ramblingsofablonde.co.uk

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    1. Thank you, Abi!

      'Special' is definitely the adjective that I'm going for.

      I'll bet are to let you know when I have my first kiss!

      I appreciate your comment! it was lovely! THANK YOU

      Delete
  15. I was 20 years old when I had my first kiss... i felt pressured into it so I ended up kissing a random person at a club and it was awful and I felt nothing.

    http://ohduckydarling.com

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    1. That doesn't sound like a great experience... AT ALL!
      I hope that your lip locking (if applicable) since then has been nothing short of marvellous!

      Thanks Rosa!

      Delete
  16. I remember having the same feelings that you described. In a way I felt embarrassed like nobody wanted me for some reason which was silly.
    It happened when I was 16 and I felt like the last person in the world who hasn't been kissed. I just wanted to get it over with finally. It was in a club with a guy I danced with for 10 minutes and I remember my friends were watching us...(Haha, the pressure!) I'm ashamed to admit but I don't even remember his face or name. We texted for a few more days but I have never seen him again.
    Looking back I could have waited longer because there was nothing special about the whole situation but it honestly doesn't matter in the long run.
    So don't stress about it, it will happen eventually and I hope for you it will be with someone who was worth waiting for! :) xx

    Panna’s Blog

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    1. I felt like I am also the last person in the world to not have been kissed...but after posting this I found that my feelings were actually incredibly normal!

      Haha, your friends were watching...of course!
      you're right; In the long run, it doesn't actually mean much!

      Thank you, Panna!
      I really hope it's with someone worth the wait, too!

      Delete
  17. Great post!! I didn't have my first kiss till 18 and even then it wasn't very exciting! Deffo better to just wait and when it's meant to happen it will happen. Keep your ground and standards high gal!

    Shona Marie xo

    https://bellechic.blog

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    1. Thanks Shona!
      Till I finda a lovely guy, I'll keep my grounds strong and my standards high

      Delete
  18. This is a really nice posts. There's so much pressure in society to do certain things by a certain age. I had a guy I really liked when I was 14, and he wanted to kiss me, but I chickened out for some reason and by the time I was 16 I still hadn't been kissed. I sort of let society push me to get it over with, so that year I had my first kiss with a stranger. It wasn't this exciting moment, but neither was it with my ex-boyfriend either. Honestly, it's a good thing you're waiting for the right moment because it will come.

    xx
    Christina Madeleine
    www.thisfashiongirl.com

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    1. That's true, Christina! A lot of people think that things need to happen at a particular time or you're abnormal.

      Thanks for sharing your experience with me! I'm glad I have the patients and the ability to stand my grounds.

      Delete
  19. My first kiss was abysmal and I wish I could have a do-over. I pretty much kissed a totally random guy who was far too immature, left a bit of snot on my face and used his tongue like a cat; I want to vomit just thinking about it. Fortunately, the majority of kisses I've had since have been good (although there was a guy who almost bit my face off and couldn't understand why I recoiled in horror). I wish I waited for my first kiss and I'm extremely jealous of you for not giving into peer pressure and having a crappy first kiss. I hope you have the greatest first kiss ever!

    Raise The Waves

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    1. Ah! Sorry to hear that your first didn't go well...at all!
      Snot AND licking? That does not sound pleasant at all!

      I'm glad to hear that you had more pleasant experiences after!

      I'm happy I'm happy I'm waiting. I hope something wonderful happens!

      Delete
  20. I was 21!!! And I've only kissed one guy ��.. but I would be ok if he was the only one ������

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    1. That's amazing! It sounds like you found a gem!

      Delete
  21. It's defo not something to be ashamed of. I had my first kiss at 18, albeit drunk and I didn't know his name. Since then I have had my fair share of drunken kisses (shameful as that may be), alas I have not gone any further. I would rather be someone to wait for the right person and time and as I have got older and am going into my second year at University I have come to realise I am not alone in this. And it's totally okay.
    PS: It's defo 10x more classier to have this attitude when it comes to kissing as well. My reputation of being a classy clubber have slowly simmered away this past year (read: some guys just can't kiss nicely).
    Good luck with whatever life brings you xx

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    1. I find it interesting that many people who had their first kisses early on have come to regret it. That re-assures me.

      I think I'm just gonna take whatever life brings my way!

      Thanks for sharing your story with me! I love hearing people's first kiss stories!

      Delete
  22. Mine was on a drunken game of spin the bottle (when I was about 20). The other times have, unfortunately, been drunken kisses too. Since we were all a bit tipsy, they weren't particularly nice. I've never really kissed a man who I actually like before...which I've realised is quite sad!

    Femenish

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    1. It's not sad...maybe it's just the generation that we're living in? What do you think?
      Having my first kiss due to a game of 'spin the bottle' gives me anxiety. I feel like that would be lot of pressure!

      Thanks for opening up, Kate! I hope one day I'll be able to let you all know how my first kiss actually happened.

      Delete

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